Opening My Eyes

Last Friday I read a post on Anissa's site where she mentioned a meet-up for bloggers in Atlanta taking place on Saturday.

Hmmm...

It was free, local, AND they had beer.

Hmmm...

I mentioned it to my husband in that way wives talk to their husbands about things they want to do but need the push to make it happen:

"There's like this thing downtown...with bloggers...and I don't know. Maybe I'll go...but I don't have anybody to go with so....I probably won't...and I won't know anyone....but maybe I will....I don't know."

First, my husband was scared that I expected him to go with me. OMG. He might have to hang out with a bunch of women and drink beer at a brewery.

The Horror!

Once I assured him that I definitely did not want him to attend. He came up with an idea, invite Tiff (otherwise known as Beeker and for the record, I'm Shotgun, don't ask, go with it.)

I was hesitant.

This blog is kinda, sorta, really a secret.

Shhhhhhh....don't tell.

I was worried Tiff would be offended that I hadn't shared my blog with her. My husband assured me she would understand. I wasn't sure, so I sent her a 50,000 word, insecure, rambling email which basically said:

"I wanna go because I'm interested in starting a blog...but definitely don't have a blog, so yeah. No blogging going on 'round here. Please, please go with me!" 

I'm sneaky like that.

Tiff replied:

"Jesus, Amanda. What's up with the long ass email? Do something just for you which has nothing to do with me? Uh, yeah, count me in. There's no Shotgun without Beeker!"

Of course she did.

So we went. When we arrived (an hour late) my nerves kicked in. I thought the event would be in a large private room where peeps would be standing and mingling. Maybe a keynote speaker. I don't know. I'm a rookie. Instead, everyone was seated around the corner of the restaurant's entrance at a group of tables.

The first people we saw were Julia Roberts (yeah, really) and Anissa, The Legend. I won't go into all the reasons I love Anissa, I'm sure you love her for the same reasons. After greeting Anissa and Julia we went to take our seat at a table down from them.

This is when things could have been awkward.

The area we were in had four high-top tables with chairs on one side and a shared bench on the other side against the wall. The tables were full and the last table sat by the corner about three feet away from the table next to it.

Shit. We're gonna be the weirdos in the corner.

Tiff and I couldn't decide if we should move the table over or not.

Hi, my name is Amanda watch me move furniture.

I didn't need to worry. The seated ladies told us to move the table over and they squished in to make room. We met Katherine and she was lovely. We met Jana and she was lovely. Then we met Miranda, Lauren, and Stacie, and we met some other bloggers too. Everyone was lovely. A group of lovely, smart women (and a few awesome men too. AHEM.)

It was amazing.

Y'all these women are legit. Like too legit to quit. For reals.

I can't name all of their credentials, but I was out of my league. Big Time.

The best part is that while I was there I had no clue how important these ladies are. None. They didn't talk about it. They didn't have to. These ladies are awesome and secure with themselves so they don't need to read everyone their resume. They listened to Tiff and me ramble, and they laughed at our lame jokes.

I have never felt so welcome and at home.

Brace yourself.

It's about to get even deeper up in here.

After reflecting (yes, I reflect - with my super duper handy dandy thought mirror I reflect. It's kinda a big deal.) about the meet-up I feel there is a deeper meaning to it. I'm not very religous but maybe Someone (God?) was opening my eyes. The ladies I sat with have dealt (and are dealing?) with postpartum depression. Was Someone showing me that if I have a baby it's not necessarily the perfect life I dream of, there may be issues that come along with giving birth, and support is there for me if I need it?

Whoa. That's some serious shit.

There's more.

Miranda. She's totally my sister from another, er, mister. We each had our wedding at the same venue, when planning my wedding, two years ago, I came across her bridal profile on a website. I pored through her photos for ideas and tried to find her email address to ask some questions. I had no luck then, but Saturday she sat across from me. Maybe people come into your life when they're supposed to.

Tiff. Wow. What can I say about Tiff? That I love her? Yes. That she's a true friend? Yes. Tiff has been my rock these past months. Before my miscarriage I thought I knew what friendship was. I didn't. I do now.

Because of Tiff, I know.

We spent most of the weekend together and at one point she jokingly asked:

"So is that best friend spot filled yet? Are you gonna let me fill it?"

I laughed and said, "You already have."

That's the truth. She filled the best friend slot years ago. It took this weekend and this event for me to see it.

Thanks for the meet-up, ladies.

Thanks for being my best friend, Tiff.

Do-Do....

I was a member of Weight Watchers for awhile last year and during one of my converstaions with the meeting leader she said something that stuck with me, "It's not what you don't do. It's what you do do." Hmmmm....this week I keep returning to that simple phrase.

I've gone through a really difficult time these past two months. And I haven't realized howdepressed I was until recently when I've finally been feeling like I'm pulling out of it. I'd like to say that I'm back to normal but that's not exactly true. I feel higher than normal. I feel like...um...(pardon the cheesiness) like the past few months it's been all gray days with small bursts of sunshine. Now I feel like the sun is shining all day long with a rainbow, happy monkeys, laughing babies, confetti, and shit. Okay. Maybe not THAT great. But I'm feeling good. I was supported by some really great people these past couple of months and I want to shower them with love. I want to grab on to them and hold them tight and let them know how much they mean to me. I don't know if I could have made it without them. Seriously. I've got some amazing people in my life. An awesome support system.

Any-hoo. With all of this happiness and positivity I'm feeling I feel like I can do anything. I'm not thinking about the stuff I'm not doing or haven't been doing. I'm thinking about the stuff I AM doing. And now I'm thinking about what I CAN do. I like it.

I recently wrote an essay for my English class. I was nervous about it. I had not written an essay in years and I wasn't sure I even knew WHAT an essay was anymore. I wrote my essay at work, looked over it a few of times and changed some things, then the night before it was due I spent about an hour on it polishing it up. After I turned it in and as I waited for my grade I was sure I got a C or worse on it. It had to have a thesis. "What the hell is a thesis?" I thought. I didn't think mine had one. I got my essay back...I got a 95. Sweeeeeeeet.

I had a Criminal Law exam on Wednesday. I studied during my lunch hour on Tuesday, but had planned to also study Tuesday night. Instead, I ended up hanging, talking, and drinking with my friend until midnight on Tuesday. I had thirty minutes to study for the exam on Wednesday. I was nervous. I thought I might do really bad on the exam. I went to take the test and it had forty questions. I finished it in 15 minutes. I knew that shit. I think I may have gotten one question wrong. Maybe.

I am doing stuff, y'all!

I'm gonna sign up for tennis lessons. I'm going to learn how to play tennis. I will do it. Why the hell shouldn't I?!?

I have discovered through going to school and making good grades that if I just do something and put the time in I can succeed. I may not always apply all of my possible effort, but if I do what I can do and not pressure myself to be 100% perfect all the time I can be pretty damn successful.

I can lose weight. I CAN do it. I just have to start DOING it. I don't wanna focus on the cookies I ate yesterday (daaaaamn...they were good!) I wanna focus on today and what I am doing right today. I just want to grab the reins and do everything that I've been wanting to do but haven't. So what if I fail? I have a strong support system and they'll catch me.

I'm ready.