Sunday, February 27, 2011


I'm in limbo.

I was pregnant but I don't have a child.

I have a best friend but we're not speaking.

Because I had a miscarriage.

Because I failed.

Because I needed her.

I bought her a birthday present in November but I can't send it.

And I can't return it.

I bought her soon-to-be-born baby some gifts.

They sit in my car, half way between being returned and sent.

I want to stand on one side or the other. But I'm stuck in the middle.

One side I choose me.

The other side I betray me.

Which is the right side?

I wish I could stop hurting but I can't.

I wish I could make it all go away but I can't.

How do you break up with your best friend?

She was in my wedding, so I can't cut her out of my life.


She was my forever friend.

She is my forever friend? I don't think so.

Not anymore.

I think.

I'm in limbo.


  1. I have no wisdom. It's my first time here (from thespohrsaremultiplying). But my heart hurts for you. And I hope soon, very soon, you can get out of limbo. ((hugs))

  2. Thanks so much for your sweet comment Mary. It really means a lot. :)

  3. I'm so, so sorry. Be good to yourself. I'm sure your friend will still be there when you are ready.

  4. Poetically, I really loved this post, but on a more personal level, I want to tell you how sorry I am you're going through something like that. I know what it's like to feel like you're in limbo. Not to your extent, but I've been there before, even if in a milder situation. In fact, I'm still in limbo. We're in the same place, but not with the same things - sort of in different contexts, too. I hope we can both get out of limbo soon.

  5. You know, people always talk about breaking up with romantic partners, but never with friends, and I've always thought it must hurt in the same way. I hope you get through it. :-)

  6. It takes a big heart to buy those kind of presents, especially with a loss like that of your own.

    Breaking up with your best friend is harder than any romantic relationship, because it's a different kind of intimacy. Your best friend knows things about you that guys don't notice.

    Is there any fixing it?

  7. I don't know if we can fix it. I want to, but we've been through this stuff before and it's always me that has to make the effort. I told her I want to fix it but don't know how and she'll have to make the effort to mend things. I haven't received a reply from her. That was three weeks ago. I went to return her stuff yesterday but I don't have the receipt any more. Maybe that's a sign. I'm going to send it. At least then I'll feel like I did everything and I won't carry any guilt over returning her stuff. I hope.

    I appreciate everyone's comments. It's really helped me more than any of you know.