Sunday, February 27, 2011

Limbo

I'm in limbo.

I was pregnant but I don't have a child.

I have a best friend but we're not speaking.

Because I had a miscarriage.

Because I failed.

Because I needed her.

I bought her a birthday present in November but I can't send it.

And I can't return it.

I bought her soon-to-be-born baby some gifts.

They sit in my car, half way between being returned and sent.

I want to stand on one side or the other. But I'm stuck in the middle.

One side I choose me.

The other side I betray me.

Which is the right side?

I wish I could stop hurting but I can't.

I wish I could make it all go away but I can't.

How do you break up with your best friend?

She was in my wedding, so I can't cut her out of my life.

Right?

She was my forever friend.

She is my forever friend? I don't think so.

Not anymore.

I think.

I'm in limbo.

7 comments:

  1. I have no wisdom. It's my first time here (from thespohrsaremultiplying). But my heart hurts for you. And I hope soon, very soon, you can get out of limbo. ((hugs))

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  2. Thanks so much for your sweet comment Mary. It really means a lot. :)

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  3. I'm so, so sorry. Be good to yourself. I'm sure your friend will still be there when you are ready.

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  4. Poetically, I really loved this post, but on a more personal level, I want to tell you how sorry I am you're going through something like that. I know what it's like to feel like you're in limbo. Not to your extent, but I've been there before, even if in a milder situation. In fact, I'm still in limbo. We're in the same place, but not with the same things - sort of in different contexts, too. I hope we can both get out of limbo soon.

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  5. You know, people always talk about breaking up with romantic partners, but never with friends, and I've always thought it must hurt in the same way. I hope you get through it. :-)

    ficklecattle.blogspot.com

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  6. It takes a big heart to buy those kind of presents, especially with a loss like that of your own.

    Breaking up with your best friend is harder than any romantic relationship, because it's a different kind of intimacy. Your best friend knows things about you that guys don't notice.

    Is there any fixing it?

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  7. I don't know if we can fix it. I want to, but we've been through this stuff before and it's always me that has to make the effort. I told her I want to fix it but don't know how and she'll have to make the effort to mend things. I haven't received a reply from her. That was three weeks ago. I went to return her stuff yesterday but I don't have the receipt any more. Maybe that's a sign. I'm going to send it. At least then I'll feel like I did everything and I won't carry any guilt over returning her stuff. I hope.

    I appreciate everyone's comments. It's really helped me more than any of you know.

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