Sunday, February 27, 2011


I'm in limbo.

I was pregnant but I don't have a child.

I have a best friend but we're not speaking.

Because I had a miscarriage.

Because I failed.

Because I needed her.

I bought her a birthday present in November but I can't send it.

And I can't return it.

I bought her soon-to-be-born baby some gifts.

They sit in my car, half way between being returned and sent.

I want to stand on one side or the other. But I'm stuck in the middle.

One side I choose me.

The other side I betray me.

Which is the right side?

I wish I could stop hurting but I can't.

I wish I could make it all go away but I can't.

How do you break up with your best friend?

She was in my wedding, so I can't cut her out of my life.


She was my forever friend.

She is my forever friend? I don't think so.

Not anymore.

I think.

I'm in limbo.

Saturday, February 26, 2011


Why did I fail to deliver my first child?
Why did I completely fail as a woman?
Why can't I get over this miscarriage?
Why do I say that I'm not ashamed about having a miscarriage when I actually couldn't be more ashamed?
Why wasn't my best friend there for me?
Why can't I focus on what I have rather than what I don't?
Why can't I be a better wife, sister, daughter, friend, and aunt?
Why do I have so much self-doubt?
Why do I feel one way one day and completely opposite the next?
Why can't I trust my own emotions?
Why am I not a better student?
Why am I not a better writer?
Why can't I be honest in my writing?
Why am I so scared?
Why can't I let go of my best friend and focus on the people that were there for me?
Why do I still think about her?
Why can't I move on?
Why did I pick her to be in my wedding?
Why did I think of her as a sister?
Why doesn't she pick up the phone and make things right?
Why did we have to get pregnant at the same time?
Why can't I celebrate her new marriage with her?
Why can't I be there for her with her pregnancy?
Why can't she be a good friend to me?
Why doesn't she care about me?
Why did I buy things for her baby?
Why can't I send them?
Why is it that I can't let go of this relationship?
Why can't I be better?

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Good News is I Don't have Lice

I arrive at the hair salon for my full hi-lights appointment at 9:00 a.m.. I'm pleased that, for once, I'm on time. It's my first time visiting this salon; two days prior I had an appointment at the salon across the street, but it was a shit hole with a weirdo hairdresser where I had to commit the "sit and dash" (I sat in her chair, she freaked me out, and I left before she got one hand on my luscious locks), so I was a little nervous. The receptionist is young with a trendy hair-cut and she greets me warmly. She tells me that my stylist is running late and offers me some water and gives me a magazine to read while I wait.

It's a small salon that's in the newly built downtown area of my town, a growing suburb of Atlanta. I'm a sucker for trendy salon names, particularly ones with numbers, and this one is aptly named to my liking. It's minimally decorated: everything is black and white with a few pops of lime green. The last place was decorated like Carmella Soprano owned the joint, so I'm feeling encouraged about my visit. It doesn't bother me that my stylist is running late. I'm always late and normally wouldn't make an appointment so early on a Saturday morning as I'm usually chilling in Hangover City at this time.

Ten minutes later my stylist breezes in, she's about 5'7", blonde hair piled messily in a high ponytail with a scrunchie (yes, a scrunchie), thin, wiry, with lines of hard-living creasing her face. She's probably 32 but the hard-living makes her look 45.

She walks over to greet me, "Did you get my message?!?"

"Um, what?"

She rolls her eyes in frustration, "I left you a message telling you not to come until 9:15."

"Uhhhhhh, I left my phone at home, sorry."

She leads me to the chair and puts her hands in my hair. I guess Tabatha Coffey would call this my "consultation". Immediately I can tell something is wrong. I look in the mirror and as her hands are going through my hair she's super frowny faced and deeply concentrating. It's been awhile since my hair has been hi-lighted, and by the way she is assessing my hair I think the worst:

Shit! Fucking lice!

She remains silent as she looks through my hair. She's deliberately scrutinizing my head of hair.

Jesus, now I'm going to have to wash everything. I wonder if Febreeze removes lice....

Probably. I'll just Febreeze everything. 

She's still silent.

I guess I'll be performing a lice check on the husband tonight. *Sigh* Well, I'll have to pick up some rubber gloves and a pencil. Do we have a lice checking stool for him to sit on?

The stylist is now extremely frowny faced as she contemplates my hair situation.

Probably not - we don't have shit. Something else I'll have to get. If I get it at Goodwill will it have lice on it? Hmmm....I guess the Febreeze will take care of that too....

Finally, Confucious the stylist say, "You have a lot of hair."

I don't respond. I just look at her.

What the fuck? My hair is thick, but it's not like a bush and it's not down to my god damned feet.

At most, it's an inch past my shoulders.

She continues, "You didn't say you had this much hair when you made your appointment."

"Um, Okay."

Normally I don't act like this much of a little bitch with people, but she is scary. Hard-living, redneck, don't give a fuuuuuck, whoop your ass scary. And I do give a fuck. Also, I had already done the sit and dash across the street a couple of days ago.

What can I do? Sit and dash all over town?

She continues to tell me that she doesn't know if she's going to have time for my full hi-lights.

Because you were late??

She informs me that apparently she's a god-damn Michalengelo in the hair world 'cause she's extreeeeemely particular about her hi-lights and I should have mentioned over the phone that I had a lot of hair.


Finally, after much intense frowny-faced deliberation, she decides that she will graciously hi-light my bushman, freak-ass, Elvira, hair even if it makes her run over schedule.

Thank God. This lady is like Mother Theresa.

While she applies my hi-lights she treats me to a constant bitch-fest about my hair. She also tells me about a dream she had where she felt like she was drowning and fills me in on her child support woes with her ex.

You know, small talk.

She finishes applying the hi-lights and lets me sit and "process". She informs me that while I sit she's going to grab some breakfast and will be back in 30 minutes.


She returns, thank God, and washes the hi-lights out. On the way back to the chair she complains that her arm will be sore all week from blow-drying all my hair. I laugh awkwardly, I mean what the hell else can I do?

"Don't laugh, it's not funny!"


Finally she finishes blow-drying my hair (complaining the entire time) and brings me up front to check out.

She engages in a converstaion with the receptionist about which price level to bill me, the stylist looks at me and witheringly says, "With all that hair she has - Level 3".

I pay the receptionist Level 3 price, and as I'm walking out the door the stylist stops me.

"You haven't booked your next appointment!"


"You better come back in six weeks and do partial hi-lights. You can't let yourself go again after all that work I put into you."

"Um, sure...."

"And don't you dare cancel it!"

Yeah bitch what the fuck ever...


So, I schedule another appointment, fully intending to cancel it and leave.

Bitch goes all Single White Female on Part Two.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Taking Care of Bi'ness!

Happy Valentines Day Y'all!!!! ♥

I have officially been doing stuff! Stuff that, I hope, will make me a better person. I'm putting things into action. Finally! I'm actually focusing on things I'm doing and not thinking about what hasn't been done. I'm feeling great.

I'm not saying, "I'm going to..." anymore. I'm saying, "I WILL!" No more gonnas...that's the key.

So to keep this positive train a-going I'm gonna recap my successes this week/weekend:

1. I have been writing regularly on this blog!!! Hell yeah!!!

2. I quit Facebook! I've been bored with Facebook lately. I remember how fun and interesting Facebook was when I first joined and it has turned into a grind. I found myself checking it constantly throughout the day without thinking or realizing how often I was doing it. Also, it seems like there are only a few types of people posting on Facebook: Those that pat themselves on the back, sick people, "Other Worldly Types" (you know the type - the guy that posts statuses which make no sense - ex. "Sun = Black Hole. Wow"), and DRAMA TYPES! Um, yeah, no thanks. Speaking of drama I had tons of FB family drama last week, which made me feel like I was being pulled in different directions so finally I said, "Fuck it", and deleted my account altogether. It's been awesome taking a break from ol' Facebook. I'm sure I'll go back but I want to see how long I can stay away.

3. I've been having some issues with a good friend of mine. We've exchanged a couple of emails regarding these issues and have been trying to resolve them. It's been my turn to reply to her email and I've been sitting on it for about two weeks. Mainly I've been mulling over the right things to say. Friday I decided that it had been on my mind long enough and I wrote her back. It was tough and emotional but I did it. I want to move on, move ahead, and I can't have these lingering issues in my life anymore. I feel like I've done what I can with the relationship, so now it's in her court. We'll see how it goes....

4. Okay, I am soooo proud of this one!! Ready??? I bought a tennis racquet, played some tennis with my sweet husband, AND registered for my tennis lessons! How awesome is that?!? I was working on schoolwork last night and I got stuck on some problems so I decided to take my dog for a walk. Since I had just purchased my racquet earlier that day my husband suggested that we go hit some tennis balls instead. We did and it was a BLAST! I am sooooo excited to begin taking lessons next month!

5. I ate crappy this weekend but there were times that I made some good choices. I went to Chattanooga with my parents, sister, and her kids on Saturday. When we were leaving my house we stopped at Chick-fil-a to grab a "snack" for the ride. Everyone ordered combos but I ordered a Kids Meal 1 Count Chicken Finger meal. Then, when we were at lunch instead of ordering chicken fingers or a pizza I ordered bruschetta. These are small steps, but I'm happy I'm making steps whether they be big or small.

6. Yesterday I planned on cleaning our bedroom, catching up laundry, and changing the sheets. My schoolwork took longer than expected so I didn't get a chance to clean the room but I did everything else. I'm happy that laundry is caught up and put away - it makes the workday mornings so much smoother when laundry is taken care of, so I'm celebrating that!

Tonight is Valentine's Day and I'm sure my dear husband is going to have an awesome dinner waiting on me when I get home from class. I love that man. Tomorrow night we're bowling, and I have to work on a paper afterwards. BUT after I get home from class on Wednesday we will go hit some tennis balls again! I think tennis might just be my thing, y'all!

Friday, February 11, 2011

2nd Year

***Over the course of the year I will be writing posts devoted to chronicling my 2nd year of marriage. On our anniversary I will use these posts for a letter to my husband.***

This past weekend we stayed in a cabin by ourselves for the first time. Saying it was a great time would be an understatement. I felt connected and positively in love with you the entire weekend. I'm glad we take the time to make our relationship a priority. I'm glad we're friends. You were incredibly sweet to me on my birthday. You knew I wanted a chocolate chip cookie cake and you ran out to make that happen. Not an easy feat when we're in the mountains. You told me that I shouldn't wash the dishes because it was my birthday. Your heart is huge and your love is vast. I have a lot to learn from you. It was awesome that we we could bring Maggie to the cabin. What a sweet girl. She has made our lives so full and when people comment on what a great dog she is I know that she is a reflection of our love and commitment. It makes me excited to have kids. I can't wait to be the mother to your children.

I will make you proud.


I was a member of Weight Watchers for awhile last year and during one of my converstaions with the meeting leader she said something that stuck with me, "It's not what you don't do. It's what you do do." Hmmmm....this week I keep returning to that simple phrase.

I've gone through a really difficult time these past two months. And I haven't realized howdepressed I was until recently when I've finally been feeling like I'm pulling out of it. I'd like to say that I'm back to normal but that's not exactly true. I feel higher than normal. I feel the cheesiness) like the past few months it's been all gray days with small bursts of sunshine. Now I feel like the sun is shining all day long with a rainbow, happy monkeys, laughing babies, confetti, and shit. Okay. Maybe not THAT great. But I'm feeling good. I was supported by some really great people these past couple of months and I want to shower them with love. I want to grab on to them and hold them tight and let them know how much they mean to me. I don't know if I could have made it without them. Seriously. I've got some amazing people in my life. An awesome support system.

Any-hoo. With all of this happiness and positivity I'm feeling I feel like I can do anything. I'm not thinking about the stuff I'm not doing or haven't been doing. I'm thinking about the stuff I AM doing. And now I'm thinking about what I CAN do. I like it.

I recently wrote an essay for my English class. I was nervous about it. I had not written an essay in years and I wasn't sure I even knew WHAT an essay was anymore. I wrote my essay at work, looked over it a few of times and changed some things, then the night before it was due I spent about an hour on it polishing it up. After I turned it in and as I waited for my grade I was sure I got a C or worse on it. It had to have a thesis. "What the hell is a thesis?" I thought. I didn't think mine had one. I got my essay back...I got a 95. Sweeeeeeeet.

I had a Criminal Law exam on Wednesday. I studied during my lunch hour on Tuesday, but had planned to also study Tuesday night. Instead, I ended up hanging, talking, and drinking with my friend until midnight on Tuesday. I had thirty minutes to study for the exam on Wednesday. I was nervous. I thought I might do really bad on the exam. I went to take the test and it had forty questions. I finished it in 15 minutes. I knew that shit. I think I may have gotten one question wrong. Maybe.

I am doing stuff, y'all!

I'm gonna sign up for tennis lessons. I'm going to learn how to play tennis. I will do it. Why the hell shouldn't I?!?

I have discovered through going to school and making good grades that if I just do something and put the time in I can succeed. I may not always apply all of my possible effort, but if I do what I can do and not pressure myself to be 100% perfect all the time I can be pretty damn successful.

I can lose weight. I CAN do it. I just have to start DOING it. I don't wanna focus on the cookies I ate yesterday (daaaaamn...they were good!) I wanna focus on today and what I am doing right today. I just want to grab the reins and do everything that I've been wanting to do but haven't. So what if I fail? I have a strong support system and they'll catch me.

I'm ready.